


Cold Fear

by TheFoolsKnight



Series: Lbotw Countdown Event [10]
Category: The Eldest Curses Series - Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Fear, Fear of Death, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Immortality, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26230990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFoolsKnight/pseuds/TheFoolsKnight
Summary: Someone asks Magnus what his worst fear is. Obviously, he lies
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Lbotw Countdown Event [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1890874
Comments: 7
Kudos: 70





	Cold Fear

Fear.

Fear, Magnus believed, was a weakness. The one inevitable Achilles’s heel that everyone possessed. Anyone could hunt down what you feared the most, and use it against you, and you’d have no way of escape.

Fear was a backstabbing blade that you carried strapped to your back your whole life.

Magnus had his own fears. Several of them. Drowning. Loneliness. Calcification. But for the longest time, his fear was himself.

For the longest time, ever since Magnus found out who he was, whose son he was, Magnus had been afraid of himself. He had been afraid of waking up one morning with blood in his hands, of making irreparable mistakes, of leaving a horrible stain upon the world. No one ever knew exactly what a child of a Prince of Hell was capable of. Magnus was afraid that his magic would take over him one day, and he’d show the world just how much he was capable of, how much destruction he could rain upon the cities of the world.

But one day, when he was with his family in his loft in Brooklyn, and they were all having a rather somber conversation about fears, Jace turned to him and asked, "So, you've been living for a long time. I bet you don't get afraid much, but what  _ are  _ you afraid of?"

For once his fear was not himself.

But Magnus had lied. Of course he had - he couldn't bring himself to say it out loud, his worst fear, not when it was sitting right there and staring at him with deep blue eyes.

It was never easy being an immortal. Especially when you had to witness all your loved ones die and move on, over and over again, leaving you behind to grieve. Magnus pretended that it would get easier with time, but it didn't. The pain would always be there. He'd only learned how to tolerate it.

But he was downright terrified at the thought of Alec dying.

Sometimes he wondered, whenever he thought of the vast amount of time looming in front of him after Alec's inevitable death, just what he was supposed to do without Alec by his side. Alec, by now, had become such a fundamentalist him, akin to the heart and brain and lungs, so much so that Magnus thought he would stop functioning altogether when Alec left.

Which was why he did everything in his power to keep Alec with him for as long as he could.

Fear, surprisingly, was an effective motivator. When you feared something, you did everything you could to avoid it, to prevent it from ever happening.

Or in Magnus’s case, when facing your fear was inevitable, you did everything you could to push it back. He couldn’t prevent senescence. But there were things he could do to make sure that his Alec lived his life as best as possible.

So he smiled a derisive smile at Jace and said, “Who? Me? I’m not scared of anything.”

“See you tomorrow!”

Alec waved back at Jace, watching him step through the portal to the front steps to the institute. The portal closed in a whirl of gold, and Alec turned away from it, Magnus’s words ringing in his mind. 

_ Me? I’m not scared of anything. _

Jace had laughed at that and threw a retort at Magnus, but Alec couldn’t help but note the way Magnus had avoided his eyes.

_ You think I don’t know, Magnus?  _ He thought as he made his way up the stairs.  _ You think I don’t know what you’re afraid of? _

The countless insistent messages everytime a demon hunt took longer than usual. The ring laden with protective spells. The tight hugs that knocked out his breath everytime he got injured. Of course he knew.

Alec stepped through the front door of the loft, heading for Max's bedroom, from where he could softly hear the sounds of Magnus singing lullabies. He couldn't do anything to quelch Magnus's fears, but atleast he could be there by his side.

Magnus was sitting in a chair beside Max's cradle, rocking it slowly as he sang. The words were from an unfamiliar language, but the tone was soothing. Alec moved to stand behind Magnus, wrapping his hands around Magnus's shoulders and kissing him on top of the head.

"Hey," Alec whispered.

Magnus’s free hand came up to wrap around his. He kissed Alec's palm, and said, "Hello, yourself."

The room was dim, lit only by a small nightlight in the corner. Magnus’s singing had been reduced to a soft humming now, and Alec leaned in, placing soft kisses along his cheek and jaw. He could sense Magnus’s smile, lighting up his face with a soft glow.

"You're really not scared of anything?" Alec whispered, resting his cheek against Magnus’s hair.

"Of course not," Magnus said, his hand tightening for a brief moment around Alec's. "Why should I be, when you're here?"

Alec's heart broke.

He took a deep breath, and whispered again, "What about when I'm not with you?"

Alec could feel the tension running throughout Magnus’s body. He turned his face towards Alec, brushing their lips together in a small kiss. "I'll be fine."

It sounded more like Magnus was telling that to himself rather than to Alec.

"Of course, there will be certain disadvantages of not having a Shadowhunter with you, but…" Magnus shrugged and smiled, but it was what Alec liked to call the 'pretend smile'. "I'll be fine."

They would have to talk about this someday, Alec supposed, but that day didn't have to be today. Today, he just pecked Magnus on the lips and said, "If you say so."

Magnus’s smile widened and he leaned in, kissing Alec firmly, his grip on Alec’s hand unyielding. The city outside was peaceful that night. Max was fast asleep in his cradle, even as Alec and Magnus tiptoed out, closing the door with a quiet click behind them, Alec's quiet laughter ringing out through the apartment as Magnus wrapped his arms around his waist and twirled him around, pulling him into an impromptu dance. With a flick of Magnus’s fingers, quiet slow music began to play somewhere within the apartment. 

Someday, all of this would end. Until then, they just had to make everyday count.


End file.
